Poem: Why Meditation Sucks

I have always been a doer
to hunt and slay, (and hide)
to remind the angels
why I am worthy of
warmth and clean water
(or chocolate milk).
Maybe.

Too busy to breathe
I’ve been earning
my breath.
Keep your money and fame
I am seeking
my worth.
(Wait).

I had to secure my ticket to Heaven
(like all the other straight,
White,
Christian men)
I – I can’t get in?
What do you mean I’m not a man?
Fuck.

Holes in my rusted chalice,
fake treasure maps, toy swords.
Indiana Jones and the Flat Earth Theory.
(Fall off the edge already).
Fine.

The thirst and salivation.
Cheat codes hidden inside the nightmare,
(but my scars are real),
behind the shadows, along the veil.
Stephen King and the Cave Wall.
Popcorn and limitations.

I never wanted to sit,
to be still, feel, the fathoms
below and die.
Would you trade misery for joy?

Shut up, boy. (Not you).
The Lady or the Tiger?

Place your heart on the scale.
Do it, doer.

End this poem,
(end it now)!

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Poem: Father Geronimo

Daughter, to you I write this medicine song.

 

The world you know is crumbling

Our great grandfathers thundering

I pray, Usen, let the rain fall

Like tears down her pretty face.

 

Your roots are strong

You will not die

Your wings, like Eagle

Meant to fly.

Daughter, I feel you suffering.

 

The four winds change

The sacred wheel turns

Great knowledge and wisdom

Every medicine man must learn.

Daughter, I am proud of you.

 

The love you feel

And pain you heal

Balance and discipline

Heavy news from Raven.

Daughter, this is medicine.

 

You have outgrown this cage

They cannot hold you back

Now that your heart is filled with rage

Like Apache warrior under attack.

Daughter, I know. I know.

 

I want to be your father again

I want to try again

Draw back your bow, my daughter

Draw ink for your pen.

 

I am here

I have always been

I will stay with you

Until the end.

 

You will see

My sweet daughter

 

This is medicine.

Beat Poetry: Stream of Consciousness

Back in the cemetery with invisible friends, feeling nostalgic again, revisiting dead ends, and dead friends, with dead pens, and garlic and obsidian

I keep the zombies away, please keep your ego at bay, I got a small child at play, the part, the world’s a stage, if love

is war, then your heaven is forged, in the heart of Mordor, and haunted corridors, of my mind, nevermore, quoth the Raven, one more,

time, the rhymes, white lines, sweet poison, the noise and, hard times, all these are lies, my old life, has died, and here I rewind, pay homage, pay

tithes, to the darkness, why lie, this black rose, it knows, torture and bliss, dark rituals, holy ceremony, and true love’s kiss, horcrux, es, true stories, this is

illusory reality, I’m losing all duality, entirety, inside of me, something just done died in me, quite possibly, I’m approaching singularity, event horizon, scaring me, but where, I need to

know, excuse me, sir, how far does this ship go, to the Pleiades, oh, for fact? the eastern breeze, please, carry me back, to my second home

Earth, I know, they’re needing me, they’ve seeded me, I’m on a mission, and I’m bleeding, see, it’s still all g, big G, in me, and Love is free, I see

through walls, these dimensions, solid matter got me stressin, humanity depressed and, I think that it’s a bless-ing, and everything is fine, but the fluoride, third eye blind, confusion, feel used and

when winning feels like losing, I’m choosing, to put my heart on the line, and they got this thing called time, just a concept of mind, man, it’s a

vacation, here in space, and, embracing, the freedom, from chasing, my own tail, my own reflection, I am facing, introspection, this perfect imperfection,

got me feeling alone, healing my bones, my choice, alone, my voice, pick up the phone, ET, how do I get home? When Krypton’s just a fic-shon, get grounded, but still fly-on, through purple skies and true lies, like twin flames, in disguise, like friends at

war, 3+2 makes 4, makes sense, for sure, in dense, environments, I’m bored

but since I’m here, I’ll adhere, to the crude atmosphere, and marry the dark with the Light, Sacred Union, within, it appears, as it might, a certain shade of grey, ish white.

Uh. Okay.

Read it again later. Goodnight.

–AT

#inmyhead

Poem: The Question of Love, a Shakespearean Sonnet

Tis sweet defeat to love, says Lo
Answers Vick, thine sugar is rancid
Am I then dunce, asks I, or no
For defeat cannot be tasted.

Vick, he laughs, at I, and bends
Young knave, if defeat is thine candy,
Then retire thine tongue, or now, perpend
Thou death is thy life’s own fancy.

Lo, she fronts, thou fear the child
With thine zany words, I shrift
Love is unsure, unsafe, and wild
Yet without such Love, is one adrift.

The two undergo such testy balk
While I abhor their argued tenses
For Love is silent, and fools do talk
Neither doth Love to sit on fences

And still my mind doth will to capture
Such honest and absolute, thus rapture

Short Story: My Friend Grief

Grief is my visitor. He won’t stay long, yet long enough.

I recall the night he knocked on my door. The shadows of my newfound solitude invited me inward. I was pleased with myself, and deserving of a reward for making a difficult decision. In a pleasant mood, I was about to open a bottle of wine. A bold Merlot, you know.

Just as I grazed my fingertips upon the dusty green bottle, and sensed a thirst in my cheeks, I heard my visitor tapping. Somehow, I knew that it wasn’t a time for celebration.

Observing a shift within me, like the descent of an elevator, touching down on the basement floor, I went for the door. I promised myself the wine would flow at the right time.

It was late night and the rain was pouring down. Many memories washed over me as the cold draft met my skin. Grief stood on my heart-shaped porch, without a cover, awaiting his welcome. I touched my chest as a single tear fell. My old friend was back again.

We have a bittersweet relationship, Grief and I, and still, I call him friend. He’s taught me  much during his extended stays. We know each other well.

He’s like the night that falls, on schedule, bringing shadows and obscurity. I had learned to appreciate the sunlight, for the evening would come, soon enough.

I opened the door wide for him. He picked up two pieces of luggage, regret and growing pains, and silently stepped in. I took his coat and hat. He made himself at home.

For the first night, we sat before the fire. We didn’t speak to each other. We didn’t sleep. We just sat there, feeling the others’ presence.

I tried to open my heart to him, to accept him, and resist the urge to run. Avoidance behavior cost me so much trouble in the past. Now, life is much simpler, but it means acceptance of Grief, of who he really is.

Sometimes the moonlight shines through the kitchen window, and I can sing and dance as I celebrate my tender heart. He stares at me, his bushy eyebrows scrunched in confusion. His knees, bent at his chin, as he sits on the bottom step. He doesn’t understand how I can laugh and play when he’s around. I try to explain to him what it means to have joy. I think he likes the idea.

Other times, though, he comes to me at night. He sits at the foot of my bed, and it seems that we can hear each others’ thoughts. I speak the sadness of my heart, hoping the sound might absorb my pain. I tell her that everything is okay, and that I’ll always love and think of her, and that I pray for her every day and night. I wonder if her heart can hear mine. Then, sometimes, I cry.

I’m not sure how long he’s staying, but I can’t rush him away. If I’m going to heal, it’s going to take time, and I should give him all the time he needs. Really, I’m doing this for myself. No band-aids, no cover-ups, no crutches or addictions. No denial or repression, no avoidance behavior.

It’s just me and my friend Grief.

Short Story: The Reluctant Hero

I’m standing on a high cliff, overlooking some foreign ocean. The night is falling upon the scene, as starlight breaks through the darkening blue sky, and I.

I’m barefoot and shirtless. My hands are empty, too.

The salty breeze chills my skin, but I am transfixed by the sight of the ocean, its magnificent beauty, coupled with the intense fear of its power, awakening deep inside of me.

A tear streams down my cheek. Could one be so awestruck and fearful at the same time? A voice whispers in my heart.

It is the Aquarian sage. “The journey ahead of you, behold, in a ship of your own vessel. This is all for you.”

Yet, I know what this means.

“You must leave behind everything you have ever known. The bed you sleep in, the comfort of perceived limitations. The masochistic words you mumble under your breath. Your poisonous drink. You have outgrown these things. They have no place in your life anymore.”

Somewhere inside me, an Arian Warrior stands poised to dive into the depths of the great unknown, unaware, unafraid, but on the surface, right now, an unsure child stares at his feet.

But my hands are dirty. I’m unforgiven.

The Aquarian speaks. “Everything you have been through has prepared you for this moment. Yet, you have free will. You may choose to turn back at any time.”

The Arian lays down his weapon, a spear, at my feet. He kneels before me, his arms flexed to display his strength. His long hair falls like a curtain over his face as he bows. “I swear to protect you from the evils of this world, as you would save me from the evils of myself.” He rises to his feet, picks up his spear, and points it toward the horizon, to the bow of Sagittarius, five twinkling stars. “There is the satisfaction of your soul.” The warrior turns behind him, to the past, “There is meaningless comfort. The choice is yours alone.” He lays his hand on my shoulder. “I will follow you, wherever you go.”

I hear the clopping of hooves, the folding of wings. Beside me stands Chiron, the centaur. I look up at him, enchanted by his figure, half a man, half a horse. His green eyes stare out at the ocean.

Chiron is my Sun. He is, in many ways, my father, teacher, and best friend.

In his silence, the planet makes her trip many times. I watch as the Moon spins around the Earth. The Sun follows the elliptic. My hands grow larger, my spine taller. My mind expands and poses unanswerable questions, provoking a yearning within. What am I feeling?

Finally, almost three decades later, Chiron turns to me, the white hairs on his chin, blowing in the wind. “What are you feeling?” He asks.

“Time is no more,” I whisper, barely audible. “Chiron, this is magnificent, and I refuse to deny my destiny, but I am human, and this makes me alone.”

The hooves of the centaur clop as he moves closer to me. His human torso bends until his chiseled face is just before mine. I see, now, that his green eyes are rimmed with yellow and orange.

“You have never belonged on Earth, Dear One. That is why you feel alone. Yet if you see with your third eye, that has never been the case.”

Chiron reaches behind his back and delivers a bow and quiver. “This is a tool, not a weapon. Always aim upward, for greatness only exists in the higher skies.”

I take the items, throwing them over my bareback.

A woman appears before me. Her silk gown bellows behind her, white like the moon. She opens her hand, to reveal a pair of golden scales. “Two thousand lifetimes, and you have settled your karmic debt. But that’s not enough. You must create a surplus.”

“Libra,” I whisper. “Must I go alone?”

The corners of her thin lips turn up. “You may take anyone willing.”

I exhale, wishing to banish the passion of my heart, now burning my flesh, it seems. For, I desire the unwilling. I find the courage to meet the goddess’ eyes.

Libra’s eyes are white, innocent with justice, convicting my heart, compelling my speech.

I hesitate. “But, isn’t my twin supposed to help me?”

Libra lifts her hand, and I feel her fingertips glide over my face. “Your twin is with you, always. Though not in flesh, you feel her in spirit, do you not?”

I look down, to the dust, dissatisfied.

“Let that be enough,” Libra leans in and kisses my cheek. “Beloved, you have Chiron as your Sun, Ares as your Rising guide, and the scales of Justice by moonlight. Call upon Pan when problems arise. Let the Aquarian lead your heart.”

The Horned God stands beside me, half a goat, half a man. I can smell the mint he chews. I feel his calloused fingertips on the crown of my head. “You will focus on the mountain peak. When you see your destination, trust your feet, for they will not lead you astray.”

I close my eyes, receiving his blessing. When I open them, the ancient gods are gone. The sage, warrior, centaur, goddess, and satyr live within me. Combined, they are me.

I’m alone again, on the mountain’s cliff, staring out at the dark ocean.

Scorpius twinkles in Midheaven. A cycle has passed. It is time for rebirth.

Poem: The Starseed

I lay in the grass
in the trees
in the sand
with questions in my
heart
Light grenades in my
hands.

Father Sky
have
you
abandoned me?
Guidance, please.
Our Mother
bleeds.

The Humans
bite
the hand that
gives.
I am not accustomed
to needing
protection.

Utopia,
a distant
memory.
Vivid dreams of
purple skies.
I want to go
Home.

Angels
and ghosts, they
talk to me.
Animals, alike.
Yet, people
don’t understand.
At all.

They ask me
what it was
like, my
world. I only
remember
that we Loved one
another.

This place is
cruel, a living
Hell, but they
can’t seem to help
themselves. Nor
can I,
sometimes.

I wish I
could
show them
that
there’s a better
way to live.

Wait.
Maybe I can.