Category: My Journey

Ancestral Rage, Collective Pain, and the Strong Roots that weather big storms

One might think it might be easier to deal with current events without the connection to our ancestors, especially if they have been suffering for hundreds of years. When justice is medicine, it’s revolution or extinction.

Sure, it might seem easier if we didn’t have to feel this rage, if we were not tasked with healing our bloodlines and overthrowing corporate fascism. Then we could numb ourselves to the gravity of the situation with some form of escapism, and absolve ourselves of all guilt of apathy and mindlessness. No, we could not do that for that would be a degradation to powerless victimhood.

Instead, we gather the strength and resilience from our roots, like tree trunks for boot straps, running deep into the Earth. We are rooted by the stone wisdom accumulated over the millennia. We are nurtured by the thunder and rain. And as we root ourselves deep, deeper, we feel the ghosts of our bloodline’s past. Mistakes made. Evolution achieved. The never ending story of how I was made.

As the flames and floodwater remind us of broken trust, the conquistadors wage war against the indigenous, and I feel the bitter hate within my soul. Tears and blood stain the haunted red dirt with mass graves and desecrated temples.

No, I will not let this go. Hell no, I shall not forget. I demand justice. Not just for the past, but more importantly, for the future. They offer us band-aids for bleeding chest wounds and tell us to be grateful. But we are not naive. Not anymore, at least.

The truth? A demonic illness consumed my ancestors, white men with white power, and oh the unspeakable things they did to my ancestors, the Taino, the Filipino, the African. O the people of Hawai’i.

I feel the war within me.

Sit with me and cry. How powerful are you, warrior? Are you strong enough to cry? Come, and sit. Let’s cry together.

I see you, Peaceful Warrior. It takes great courage to offer peace as your enemy raises his sword.

I see you, Medicine Person. It takes wisdom to die knowing death is just a lie.

I see you, Lover of Love. It takes faith, hope, and trust to create sparks of light out of the pitch dark of night.

I know you are tired. I feel your pain. Rest, heal, and know that you are not alone. Your careful words are not in vain. Your effort is witnessed by all of Heaven. Your ancestors would be proud.

With the support of our roots and all our relations, to the fortitude of our Lion hearts, the nature of Love as all that is –Justice, Peace, and Harmony, we shall prevail.

We shall prevail.

We are victorious.

Lunch Break with Dr. Seuss

I said I would write, even if my shit sucks, especially if no one reads it. Why? Because this is for me, no one else.

I’ve been processing fear in my dreams, apocalyptic nightmares, lava lakes appear, so near to my dear heart, waking up clear, and steer this chariot along the middle road because this soul is not for sale….

How to express with balanced emphasis, burning passionate hate, transmutate, for wide, is the gate, negate, contemplate, alchemists in stride, for faith and for fate, and single-file lines, chanting “I’m not my body, I’m not my mind.”

I call on holy purgatory flames, shame, blame, and childish games, for humans and their big brains, complain of the acid rain, ascertain, its the same game, for fame and billions in the bank, millions walking planks, military tanks, missing children, prison shanks, and big thanks, for thousands of years of genocide and oppression….

Bolt upright, sweaty chest, middle night, address distress, risk of flight, and I guess, I’m still breathing on purpose, for a purpose, ah, I digress….

Get back to work, Dr. Seuss!

Tonight’s Words: Shadow Work

I don’t know what I’m about to say, but I need to allow it to come to the surface, like shadow bubbles under thick tar, festering and moving, like bowels, removing shit I don’t want to see. Fears I do not wish to be conscious of.

Shadow work is daring to venture into the dark recesses of your mind, back in time, rewind, all the wounds never healed, and feel, the real, horror reels, and wheels, like pages, keep turning and burning, like starlight, I’m yearning, for adventure, and learning, the quest and the question, highest good, better, best, and the test, the quest, yes, introspect, while the light of your heart guides and protects you, yes? Do you trust your heart?

Aries and his spear, Sagittarius and the stratosphere, warrior parts and natal charts, I swear there’s no war here. It’s just a vacation, by-pass go, the train station, and onward to Leo, trine, Trinity, creation, Divine Incarnation, but I can’t stay here long. I mean I love Fire outer-space parties, and all. But I have to go back to Earth.

Learning to live in two worlds at once, Heaven and Earth, be the bridge, stars, and dirt, the Middle Way, night and day, silent, say, we can sway, the waves, spin the web, in my mind, everyday, honor life, celebrate death, I left, my old self behind….

Good night,

Kaikz ❤

Decolonizing Spirituality

I went to a school for neo-shamanism because I didn’t have access to medicine from my own lineage. I learned a lot of techniques that work, but I also learned things that were not congruent with my natural instincts or the ways of my ancestors. This can be damaging because neo-shamanism is essentially white shamanism. This means that the culture is taken and interpreted through a Western lens.

The problem with that is that Western ideas are not always sustainable, reverent, or even accurate. Western civilization has brought us to the brink of extinction. It poses its definition of sacred as superior to others, its sense of progress, its sense of “what is right.” So when people of color show up to these circles, they either get white-washed or they stand up for their lineage and get reprimanded and shamed for speaking up. This is why decolonizing spirituality is important.

Cultural appropriation hurts people of color.

That being said, the medicine I bring through my bloodlines and from past/other lives isn’t really aligned with any institutions. It comes from my roots and the convictions of my heart. It comes from the wisdom of past experiences. It comes from Creator.

I don’t believe that a certificate makes a medicine person. I believe medicine people are born with very challenging lives. They are initiated through great trauma(s), and every time they conquer another obstacle, they create medicine to share. This is experiential learning that accumulates in wisdom and humility. Creator chooses these people, not humans. Sometimes I wonder if these shamanic schools do more damage than good…. but who am I to say?

To be clear, I am grateful for my teachers and all the valuable lessons I have learned. I’m grateful for the beautiful people I’ve met. I bless the path I’ve walked and that others may be walking now. I’m letting this go now. I let my heart light the road and my soul lead the way. I pray for guidance….


Blessings of clarity, peace, and joy. 💙

Layered Truth, Balancing Realities, and Healing the World

I’m in the middle of a profound paradigm shift. I feel like I’ve demolished the old concrete sidewalk and a new one is being laid down to dry. In the process, I find dissonance where there was once resonance, and resonance where there was dissonance. It’s about balancing dualistic realities.

The Eagle’s eye is like a camera lens that allows us to see from great heights. It’s the Sagittarius mind that gives us the bigger picture, the higher truth. It allows us to be the observer and helps to raise our vibration when we get lost.

Then you have the Tiger’s eye. This lens gives us perspective from the ground, and allows us to see in the dark. The Tiger’s eye is more like the Capricorn mind, grounding us in this reality and showing us the practical steps it takes to accomplish our missions.

What is illusion to the higher mind is very real to the grounded mind. Truth is layered, not blanketed. As multidimensional beings, we can move through these layers in a way that allows for efficiency and grace.

We stop spiritual bypassing when we learn how and when to switch our lenses. Anyone who has taken a photography / cinematography class can tell you that it takes a little practice, some playing with the camera before you develop a feel for which lens to use in which conditions.

Looking back, I can see that I’ve used my Eagle lens in moments that required a more grounded and empathetic approach. Sometimes when we fly above our issues, and the issues that other people are going through, we bypass our very humanity, invoking spiritual cliche that comes across as cold and unfeeling, which is ironically contrary behavior to that of an enlightened being.

When we attempt to heal our wounds by seeing them as illusions, cutting away the trauma in our roots, trauma that gave us strength and fortitude, trauma that taught us invaluable lessons, trauma that balanced our karmic debt, cutting off our families, denying our history, turning away from the atrocities committed by our ancestors, while reciting our metaphysical philosophies like, “High vibes only,” we have not healed. We have repressed.

I healed my stories, not by cutting them off and labeling them illusion, but by honoring them, honoring their experiences, listening to the inner children cry, and hearing their dark tales. I stopped punishing my inner children for feeling sad or angry. I stopped neglecting them when they lowered my vibration. Instead I gave them compassion and grace. I cultivated peace and gratitude around my trauma, and harvested strength, courage, and so much power. 

Likewise, we can’t heal the world without being on the ground and honoring the suffering of the collective, turning oppression into empowerment. Media that was intended to cause division can be used to bring people together. Images that were meant to stir up fear and provoke war can be used to generate peace and oneness. But we can’t do that if we are too busy telling ourselves that what’s happening in the world is not our responsibility.

Needless to say, I’m guilty of keeping the Tiger’s lens on for too long sometimes, staying on the ground in survival mode, thrashing about and forgetting my higher purpose. It’s so easy to be angry when you’re down here. There’s so much to be angry about. I’ve got dragon fire for Capitol Hill, for the White House, for the Pentagon. I’ve got dragon fire for myself.

When I find myself feeling self-destructive, I know that I’ve been in the 3D for way too long.

I’m still working through this shift, still learning to be on the ground with the big cats, sniffing the path, watching the shadows in the dark, listening to the heartbeat of Mother Earth, and communing with my ancestors. I’m learning when it is appropriate to shape-shift into the big birds and fly with higher consciousness, remembering that I am an immortal child of the Divine, and there is nothing to fear or worry for.

If you are resonating with my journey and want more info, I recommend reading Grounded Spirituality by Jeff Brown and The Sacred Seven by Andrew Ecker. I’ve been reading these books in tandem, and they’re rocking my world. 

Aloha. Thanks for listening ❤
#holyshift

Personal Sovereignty and POCs in the New Age

I’ve been asking the elders in my family, both mother’s and father’s side, about my grandparents and great-grandparents. I’ve been gathering names, hearing stories, and tracing bloodlines. I scored some language and culture that I thought was dead. I even learned of some ancestral lands that my family is trying to preserve. It feels like I’m playing scavenger hunt with my ancestors. Man, it’s so dope.

Sovereignty was just an idea before. It was a good idea, and so I claimed it with my I AM presence. Now, it is becoming my reality. In my roots, I find sovereignty.

New Age teachings guide us toward ascension, reaching towards the heavens, and that is beautiful. But if we have no roots, even the tallest trees are knocked over and swept away by the storm. Some New Age gurus are contracted to teach us this lesson. I’m grateful for this.

As I go into these below spaces, my ancestors show me the things that we have been through, and the medicine that has been created for the future generations.

Most of my ancestors were European Christians who chose indigenous people as their lovers. I am a product of the genocide-ers and the genocide-ed. The Spanish decimated the indigenous people on both sides of my family, on opposite ends of the world. The main difference between the British and the Spanish is that the Spanish saw that the indigenous people were beautiful and procreated, Hence Latin Americans and Filipinos are mixed breeds with brown skin.

The British, on the other hand, founded the United States of America with empirical ambitions. They sought to keep their bloodlines pure, as they justified ownership of African and Native peoples. Genocide, slavery, and supremacy are the atrocities that founded the US.

America was never great. Turtle Island, I hear, was amazing.

Now, we collectively seek to create a world of everlasting peace and harmony. As we do that, we must heal the Self. But there is a big problem being swept under the rug. Do you notice how most New Age circles are predominately White spaces? Why?

Are People of Color really not interested in healing ourselves? lol. Many New Age circles do not provide a safe healing space for People of Color as they work on these particular ancestral traumas (genocide and slavery). But why is that?

First off, the systems that have traumatized our ancestors are still in place. The people who benefit most from these systems are White people. To build a world of everlasting peace and harmony, White people will have to let go of their privilege and give the power they have taken through generations of oppression –back to the people now fighting for social justice. From what I see, most White people not ready to admit that they have privilege, let alone give back. Just as most POCs are not ready to share culture.

The idea that POCs are obligated to share is colonial and based on White supremacy. Native culture is not a piece of merchandise to be bought, and anyone outside of the culture is not entitled to it.

There are many who like to recite prophecy to justify their sense of entitlement. Whether this prophecy is real or fabricate is beside the point. If someone says, “this is hurting me and my people,” anyone who doesn’t honor that cannot justly claim to be compassionate or righteous.

The “highest good” is one that benefits all, not just the privileged.

Thank you to my White siblings who are aware of their privilege, who work hard to not abuse their privilege, who are willing to learn and grow, who use their privilege responsibly. This medicine is so powerful. I am humbled by you all. ❤

The Law of Attraction is problematic. It’s not difficult to understand how it works. And there is no denying that it works.

We are taught that we are each responsible for every thing that happens to us in this life. We are powerful enough to transmute low vibrations, change stories, and shift our realities. This is true. Following this logic, when People of Color appeal to our White siblings about social justice and the abuse of privilege, we are too often told to get out of victim mentality and take responsibility for our issues.

Except that social justice is everyone’s issue. The conditions of our society is a direct result of our actions or inactions as a group.

The Law of Attraction tells us to focus on our own vibration, to the extent of shutting down our sense of empathy for the sake of our vortex. The Law of Attraction teaches us to focus only on feeling good, allowing for repression, complacency, and the expansion of shadow.

The Law of Attraction is a great tool for manifesting. It is not as effective as medicine.

My ancestors are sending me back into the earth and showing me that not all the answers come from the Star Nation. Those ascended masters are so wise with higher knowledge. But many of them do not understand the wisdom found in the below spaces, found in millions of years of life on Earth.

Our Mother Earth is proficient in the language of evolution. It is good to listen to Father Sky and all the prophets that have come to bring his Love. Don’t forget that we are coming back into balance through the rising of the Feminine, and her Divine Wisdom. Mother Earth is going to evolve with or without us.

If there are people who think that the world will magically align with the New Earth, I tell you, it will seem like magic because other people are doing the 3D work.

I did not come here to be an Ascended Master. I came here to be human, and fully present in human form. I came here to make a difference and find joy in the process. I am not here to be perfect, to only experience joy, or to fulfill anyone else’s vision of who I should be.

I know that everyone has a role to play, and all roles are sacred. Play your role, listen to your soul. Connect deeply into the Earth and stand strong in your sovereignty.

I am honored to be here with you and walk beside you. Thank you so much for listening.

Big Aloha. ❤

#asabovesobelow

A Woman’s Inherent Right to Choose

I hope that my friends can see that it isn’t about abortion. It’s not about saving lives. I have never been pregnant and if I ever got pregnant, I’d like to think that I would never abort my child. However, this is bigger than pro-life vs. pro-choice.

Before there was abortion laws, long before Roe vs. Wade, before there were hospitals and birth control, before there was civilization, women who were not ready for motherhood ingested poison, used sharp objects, committed suicide.

No matter what the law says, women have always and will always have a choice, even when that choice is brutal for both the mother and the embryo/fetus/child.

A cisgender man will never understand what it feels like to have a life growing inside him, to know that he is responsible for that life. He will never understand what kind of love it takes to choose to end that life.

Of course, all life is significant. All life is precious. This truth is embedded in our soul. Let’s not forget this truth when we look at the girls and women who have been raped, girls and women who have no access to birth control or sex education, girls and women who have systematically been programmed to believe that their worth is tied to their sexuality, body image, and ability to please a man.

We are living in a world where White men and boys get slaps on the wrists for raping women and children, the same system that wants to force women to become mothers.

When the mother gives birth, and she cannot care for her child, will the child be abandoned in hospitals? Doorsteps? Thrown into trash cans? Will children be abused and murdered by the same women who KNEW she was unfit? Do these states have systems set up to support these women?

The answer is no. The voters may truly care for the women and children, but the system does not. The system is set up, not to save lives, but to oppress women.

Black women, White women, Brown women, Muslim and Christian women. Cis and Trans women. ALL WOMEN.

If we support women, if we teach young girls to find their true worth, if we give them sex education, if we give them easy access to birth control, if we respect their bodies and honor their boundaries, if we teach them that it’s okay to say no, if we tell them they are beautiful and powerful and capable, if we listen with our hearts to what they to say, if we support their decisions, if we express our love for them, if we do these things, they will be better mothers. But if all we do is create a law that seemingly takes their options away, all we have done is oppress them further.

All life is precious. But we cannot force a woman to become a mother. If you think abortion is brutal, I would hate to see the choices that women might make when they realize that despite abortion bans, SHE STILL HAS A CHOICE.

Sending so much love to all sisters, mothers, and daughters. Keep your head up.

Men, boys, and masculines: please stand up and use your voice. It is our responsibility to dismantle the patriarchy.

#heforshe #abortionban #roevswade #feminism #ilovewomen #thepatriarchy #prolife #prochoice

Boys Will Be Boys: a big misunderstanding

Sex feels one hundred times better for a man than a woman. I guess that’s a matter of opinion, but there aren’t many people who can have both male and female orgasms. The female O feels like a tiny hand-held rocket compared to a giant firework display that lights up the sky.

When I was pre-T, sex was this sophisticated love-making ritual. I looked down on people who participated in dirty fucking. Then testosterone changed everything.

When I first start taking testosterone, I thought about sex twenty-four-seven. I stopped using the women’s locker room, not as an expression of my gender, but out of respect for the privacy of the women, as I was getting aroused by their pheromones and nakedness –something that didn’t happen when I identified as a lesbian. I masturbated three times a day.

I was afraid I might have been becoming the typical toxic male, and I decided to talk to my shaman/teacher about it.

We did some energy work, of course, but then she told me to stop judging my sexuality. Although I’m an adult queer, I have the hormones of an adolescent boy, and it’s normal for teenage boys to feel that way. She told me it’s important to support my inner-teen-boy and his raging hormones by allowing him to feel and be sexually satisfied.

“Boys will be boys.”

This is the biggest misunderstanding within the feminist movement.

For some people, on both sides of feminism, it means that it’s okay for boys to cat-call, objectify, assault, and rape. Just in case any of my readers might be confused, it’s not okay. It’s never okay.

But for others, mostly on the anti side of the feminism fence, for them “boys will be boys”means that boys will be horny as fuck and need to satiate their hormonal hunger somehow, and that is okay.

It’s not healthy to demean boys, men, and masculines for wanting or needing sex. It actually creates more tension and sexual distortion, which drives boys to act out aggressively. On that same note, boys are not animals and must be taught to discipline themselves, to satisfy their own sexual needs without damaging others.

If boys are taught that their sex drive is okay, that their attitude about their sexuality is positive, then they won’t have to take these energies to dark places.

“All those qualities, capacities and tendencies which do not harmonize with the collective values – everything that shuns the light of public opinion, in fact – now come together to form the shadow, that dark region of the personality which is unknown and unrecognized by the ego. “

Erich Neumann

So, I got busy with film school and stopped working out. My sex drive decreased and I started having female orgasms again. But something was missing. I missed feeling strong and buff. Some people might label my desire to be fit “toxic masculinity,” claiming that I’ve bought some patriarchal template, but that’s not true for everyone.

It’s natural for many people, regardless of gender, to feel balanced and whole while physically fit. Yes, there is a social template that pressures us to look a certain way, but that doesn’t undermine the natural inclination towards physical fitness.

To attack every boy, man, and masculine who works out is an attack on natural masculinity.

So I started working out again. My dopamine and serotonin are back at feel-good levels. But my sex drive has also increased, just when I thought I had everything under control.

Sometimes it feels like I’m famished for sex. It can be difficult to taste all the yummy and subtle flavors of the meal when I’m too busy scarfing it down. This isn’t the most pleasurable form of sex and does not satisfy most women. I am learning to tend my own fire, my own passion, my own impulses. But I cannot do this with judgment and punishment. It is done with compassion, patience, and self-discipline.

I recognize this as a rite of passage from boyhood into manhood, and I am humbled to be in this space.

I think it’s important to share this part of my journey, because the feminist movement is divided amongst itself, and many people who truly love women are sitting on the other side of the fence because they are looking out for the boys and men whom are under attack.

Misogyny is a real thing. Rape culture is a real thing. Patriarchal conditioning is a real thing. But we cannot defeat these atrocities by attacking natural masculinity. We need to separate toxicity from nature and heal ourselves of the damage caused by others.

If we want boys to behave better, we have to hold space for their growth by acknowledging and honoring their natural masculinity, and then nurturing them with Feminine guidance and love.

Hurt people hurt people. When we focus inward and heal ourselves, the work outside ourselves becomes grounded in clarity, love, and so much medicine.

It is medicine that heals toxicity. Thank you for reading. ❤


The Divine Between Men and Women

I remember when I identified as a lesbian. I hated that men treated men like a woman because I wanted to be treated like a brother. I longed for the brotherhood between men and now that I have it, and am grateful for it, I feel that I’ve lost the sisterhood between women.

There is a beautiful and scared trust that women share, even straight to lesbian women, that most men are denied access to. Sexual jokes that women may have laughed at before, can now be taken for sexual harassment.

I find blocks where there was once passage, walls of scar tissue, ghosts of men who came before, and the devastating impact craters of toxic masculinity.

I have to be more careful with my language. I have to work harder to make my intentions clear. I have to purify my sexual expression and know that my sexuality, too, is sacred. I have to be stronger, wiser, and much more compassionate.

It seems that men have to constantly prove that they are not perverts, that they don’t have ulterior motives. It’s a little demeaning, and yet I understand that the collective Feminine is just trying to protect herself, as she should.

Collectively, men have made their proverbial bed with women, created a canyon of misunderstanding, hurt, and fear. The divide between men and women is tragic. Repairing the bridge takes some work.

I find myself doing this work, looking for brotherhood while holding space for the collective Feminine, healing my own toxicity, doing my best to show that I’m one of the good guys, and praying that the next generation of Masculine energies are much better than this.

I also hope that my queer, trans, and nonbinary friends realize how much this world needs us to be who we are, as our energy helps to repair the bridge between men and women, to restore balance, and bring sanity back to this upside down world.

Thanks for listening. Bless up.

Toxic Masculinity

I’ve been struggling with toxic masculinity, guys. It feels so weird to say that because when I identified as a lesbian, I called myself a feminist, but now I realize that I was just a man-hater.

I called men stupid pigs, all the time. I had lots of male friends, best friends, in fact, but I despised even them. Now, I’m a real feminist.

I understand what it feels like to be a woman, and I’m starting to understand what it feels like to be a man. I realize how unfair I have been for judging men. It’s crazy.

Now I know what it feels like to need sex on a physiological level. I know what it feels like to skate over emotions that I never wanted to feel in the first place. Now I see why men run when relationships start to get deep and intimate.

Toxic masculinity is more than sexual assault, cat calling, and aggression. Sometimes it’s feeling impatient with the Feminine because you just don’t want to feel what she’s feeling. Sometimes it’s coming up with some clever explanation instead of truly listening with your heart. Sometimes it’s getting caught up in work so that your mind keeps you from being present with your woman. Sometimes it’s wanting to protect her too much, and you don’t even realize that you’re treating her like a little girl rather than a powerful woman.

Masculine energy is powerful, strong, and so beautiful. I am honored and humbled by the experience of my transition, and I am so grateful for every shot of testosterone. Things that cismen take for granted, I thank God for everyday. Yet, there is so much responsibility that comes with masculine power.

We owe it to our selves, our own Feminine energy, and the girls, women, and femmes around us, to take responsibility for our energy. To transmute toxicity, and make the world a better place for all genders. I know it’s not easy, but when I look in the mirror, I see a good person trying their best. That, my friends, is worth it all.

Thank you for listening. Bless up.

#divinemasculinerising