Boys Will Be Boys: a big misunderstanding

Sex feels one hundred times better for a man than a woman. I guess that’s a matter of opinion, but there aren’t many people who can have both male and female orgasms. The female O feels like a tiny hand-held rocket compared to a giant firework display that lights up the sky.

When I was pre-T, sex was this sophisticated love-making ritual. I looked down on people who participated in dirty fucking. Then testosterone changed everything.

When I first start taking testosterone, I thought about sex twenty-four-seven. I stopped using the women’s locker room, not as an expression of my gender, but out of respect for the privacy of the women, as I was getting aroused by their pheromones and nakedness –something that didn’t happen when I identified as a lesbian. I masturbated three times a day.

I was afraid I might have been becoming the typical toxic male, and I decided to talk to my shaman/teacher about it.

We did some energy work, of course, but then she told me to stop judging my sexuality. Although I’m an adult queer, I have the hormones of an adolescent boy, and it’s normal for teenage boys to feel that way. She told me it’s important to support my inner-teen-boy and his raging hormones by allowing him to feel and be sexually satisfied.

“Boys will be boys.”

This is the biggest misunderstanding within the feminist movement.

For some people, on both sides of feminism, it means that it’s okay for boys to cat-call, objectify, assault, and rape. Just in case any of my readers might be confused, it’s not okay. It’s never okay.

But for others, mostly on the anti side of the feminism fence, for them “boys will be boys”means that boys will be horny as fuck and need to satiate their hormonal hunger somehow, and that is okay.

It’s not healthy to demean boys, men, and masculines for wanting or needing sex. It actually creates more tension and sexual distortion, which drives boys to act out aggressively. On that same note, boys are not animals and must be taught to discipline themselves, to satisfy their own sexual needs without damaging others.

If boys are taught that their sex drive is okay, that their attitude about their sexuality is positive, then they won’t have to take these energies to dark places.

“All those qualities, capacities and tendencies which do not harmonize with the collective values – everything that shuns the light of public opinion, in fact – now come together to form the shadow, that dark region of the personality which is unknown and unrecognized by the ego. “

Erich Neumann

So, I got busy with film school and stopped working out. My sex drive decreased and I started having female orgasms again. But something was missing. I missed feeling strong and buff. Some people might label my desire to be fit “toxic masculinity,” claiming that I’ve bought some patriarchal template, but that’s not true for everyone.

It’s natural for many people, regardless of gender, to feel balanced and whole while physically fit. Yes, there is a social template that pressures us to look a certain way, but that doesn’t undermine the natural inclination towards physical fitness.

To attack every boy, man, and masculine who works out is an attack on natural masculinity.

So I started working out again. My dopamine and serotonin are back at feel-good levels. But my sex drive has also increased, just when I thought I had everything under control.

Sometimes it feels like I’m famished for sex. It can be difficult to taste all the yummy and subtle flavors of the meal when I’m too busy scarfing it down. This isn’t the most pleasurable form of sex and does not satisfy most women. I am learning to tend my own fire, my own passion, my own impulses. But I cannot do this with judgment and punishment. It is done with compassion, patience, and self-discipline.

I recognize this as a rite of passage from boyhood into manhood, and I am humbled to be in this space.

I think it’s important to share this part of my journey, because the feminist movement is divided amongst itself, and many people who truly love women are sitting on the other side of the fence because they are looking out for the boys and men whom are under attack.

Misogyny is a real thing. Rape culture is a real thing. Patriarchal conditioning is a real thing. But we cannot defeat these atrocities by attacking natural masculinity. We need to separate toxicity from nature and heal ourselves of the damage caused by others.

If we want boys to behave better, we have to hold space for their growth by acknowledging and honoring their natural masculinity, and then nurturing them with Feminine guidance and love.

Hurt people hurt people. When we focus inward and heal ourselves, the work outside ourselves becomes grounded in clarity, love, and so much medicine.

It is medicine that heals toxicity. Thank you for reading. ❤


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The Divine Between Men and Women

I remember when I identified as a lesbian. I hated that men treated men like a woman because I wanted to be treated like a brother. I longed for the brotherhood between men and now that I have it, and am grateful for it, I feel that I’ve lost the sisterhood between women.

There is a beautiful and scared trust that women share, even straight to lesbian women, that most men are denied access to. Sexual jokes that women may have laughed at before, can now be taken for sexual harassment.

I find blocks where there was once passage, walls of scar tissue, ghosts of men who came before, and the devastating impact craters of toxic masculinity.

I have to be more careful with my language. I have to work harder to make my intentions clear. I have to purify my sexual expression and know that my sexuality, too, is sacred. I have to be stronger, wiser, and much more compassionate.

It seems that men have to constantly prove that they are not perverts, that they don’t have ulterior motives. It’s a little demeaning, and yet I understand that the collective Feminine is just trying to protect herself, as she should.

Collectively, men have made their proverbial bed with women, created a canyon of misunderstanding, hurt, and fear. The divide between men and women is tragic. Repairing the bridge takes some work.

I find myself doing this work, looking for brotherhood while holding space for the collective Feminine, healing my own toxicity, doing my best to show that I’m one of the good guys, and praying that the next generation of Masculine energies are much better than this.

I also hope that my queer, trans, and nonbinary friends realize how much this world needs us to be who we are, as our energy helps to repair the bridge between men and women, to restore balance, and bring sanity back to this upside down world.

Thanks for listening. Bless up.

Toxic Masculinity

I’ve been struggling with toxic masculinity, guys. It feels so weird to say that because when I identified as a lesbian, I called myself a feminist, but now I realize that I was just a man-hater.

I called men stupid pigs, all the time. I had lots of male friends, best friends, in fact, but I despised even them. Now, I’m a real feminist.

I understand what it feels like to be a woman, and I’m starting to understand what it feels like to be a man. I realize how unfair I have been for judging men. It’s crazy.

Now I know what it feels like to need sex on a physiological level. I know what it feels like to skate over emotions that I never wanted to feel in the first place. Now I see why men run when relationships start to get deep and intimate.

Toxic masculinity is more than sexual assault, cat calling, and aggression. Sometimes it’s feeling impatient with the Feminine because you just don’t want to feel what she’s feeling. Sometimes it’s coming up with some clever explanation instead of truly listening with your heart. Sometimes it’s getting caught up in work so that your mind keeps you from being present with your woman. Sometimes it’s wanting to protect her too much, and you don’t even realize that you’re treating her like a little girl rather than a powerful woman.

Masculine energy is powerful, strong, and so beautiful. I am honored and humbled by the experience of my transition, and I am so grateful for every shot of testosterone. Things that cismen take for granted, I thank God for everyday. Yet, there is so much responsibility that comes with masculine power.

We owe it to our selves, our own Feminine energy, and the girls, women, and femmes around us, to take responsibility for our energy. To transmute toxicity, and make the world a better place for all genders. I know it’s not easy, but when I look in the mirror, I see a good person trying their best. That, my friends, is worth it all.

Thank you for listening. Bless up.

#divinemasculinerising