Category: My Journey

Bandaids Off, Prayers Up, Roots Down

~ Ikaika Luana Torres ~ Leave a comment

The beginnings of my traditional Taino altar.

I feel layers of childhood skin finally peeling back, like crusty band-aids, pulling up residual pain, hanging on desperately to body hairs of reminders of the person I’ve been: afraid, lonely, and lost.

I didn’t know who I was, so I became what I needed to be to survive. I can’t even count all the ways I’ve betrayed myself to feel like I was safe and I belonged, yet with that very effort, I put myself in a traumatic space where being outcasted and ignored was the default story of my life. How to break the cycle?

Many teachers came before us to show us the way, but their messages have been hijacked and distorted to serve the beast, one that craves power and money, forsaking the whole and wholeness, like cancerous cells unaware of its impact on the body.

I claim my right to stand up to those cancerous cells for the sake of the whole.

I claim my right to heal the beast within myself, to pull off such bandaids, sometimes slowly, other times abruptly, calling in my own wholeness.

I wanted so much to belong, but how could anyone give me a chance when I had not given myself a chance?

I was so quick to protect myself with ego, fervently pushing potential belonging away, so disconnected, so much in suffering….

Now, things are starting to feel different. I know that I can’t belong anywhere if I don’t belong inside. I know that I have to champion myself, to speak and live my truth whether it is approved of or not. But mostly, to feel in every cell of my body that I am loved because I’ve done the work of affirming and validating myself, giving myself grace for my own flaws, and rewarding myself for taking baby steps toward growth, everyday.

And still…. I have those moments of residual pain and forgetful regression. I catch a glimpse into a past life, one where everyone had given up on me. I went down dark paths just to prove to myself that the direction of my life can only be determined by me. The weight of such memories humble and balance me.

I am so grateful for the guidance, wisdom, and gentle discipline of my ancestors. I feel their support in my roots, anchoring me to this world. I feel the strength and sovereignty of their love. I feel them nudging and guiding me to the next step in my healing journey.

Religion has never been kind to me. My ancestors, however, love me like I’ve never been loved before.

Creator, I pray for continued healing, not just for me, but for anyone willing and ready to receive this medicine. Please help us to remember who we are, so we can stop playing scripted roles written for us by a sick society. Please help us to integrate our true natures, remembering where we came from, who our ancestors are, so we can bring back the culture that worked for us, before colonization fractured our souls. Help us to remember the profound simplicity of presence, harmony, and the joys of small moments. I pray we realize that we don’t have to destroy the world to start over. I pray for change and justice, for healing and revelation. Most of all, I pray that we find gratitude every day, many times a day, for the simple joys that are right in front of us.

Thank you, so much, for your continued grace, compassion, and support of the evolution of the human race. Thank you for the healing of our beautiful Mother Earth, and thank you so much, for the manifestation of a New World, a world where all of Earth’s children have enough Love, health, and resources.

Bo’matum Yaya, Atabey, y Yuchahu. Bo’matum Caraya y Behike por todo lo que hecho por mi y mi familia, la raza humana.

Han han katu.












			

	


				
					


	

		
New Life, Protective Shadow, and RIP to my friend Sheila
	

				

			 ~ Ikaika Luana Torres			 ~ Leave a comment					

				

		



I love you my friend







I’m starting to feel an emergence of new life after a long journey through the Underworld. I saw ghosts and demons, real life monsters in mirrors. I faced self-hatred and pity, shame and selfishness, the most disgusting parts of me. I paid my karmic debt for years of toxic positivity with inevitable passage through the darker realms. 





I have gained much through the Temperance of the Middle Way.





Today was especially difficult. I finally went back onto Instagram and found a message from a friend whom had been looking for me. I was also trying to get a hold of her, but lost her number. She passed away and no one had anyway of telling me because I was hiding in my cell. I realized then that my hermetic comfort cost me far more than I’d anticipated.





I was hiding because I’d been hurt by a sorceress, someone who was supposed to be my teacher and mentor. She had hurt so many people in such profound ways, someone had to stand up to her. So I did. As you can imagine, it didn’t turn out well for me. Yet I do not regret my words or actions.





I hid from her as I felt a curse fall like a blanket of smoke over a crowd of young souls. It had happened before in another life, and yet I made the same mistake of running and hiding. It seemed the wisest thing to do, because the truth is, I was in over my head. I didn’t know how to protect myself from such a powerful being.





With great grief in my heart I can see that in my crystal cave I hid from the ones who loved me. I cut out good people for the sake of one. I abandoned a friend without so much of a word of explanation.





I’m so sorry, Sheila. I miss you. I love you. I’m sorry for not being a better friend. God rest your soul.





It was more than that.





I used to spill my guts all over the screen, but now days, I have a Scorpion wife whose  privacy is her safe space, and I have vowed to protect that space. Let’s just say that marriage is hard work. I was a fool to think otherwise. My other half is a constant reminder that I myself am not a perfect being, and to love my shadow is the single most greatest challenge of this world, and also the key to a more Divine Union with my wife.





After a long day of seemingly fruitless emotional toil, I sat in the bathtub where I usually baptize myself in the womb of the Divine Mother. Here I cried tears of frustration, of long-suffering, and of being oh-so-fucking-done with the way that I’d been living –the life of a child, ever-expectant, naive and dependent. Angry and entitled. 





It is the moment of Death, the Ten of Swords, that I declared that I could not go on like that anymore. I opened my heart and allowed it all to come to the surface, to be seen by the Ones who guide me, heal me, Love me. Then, I laid down and slept for two hours.





I’ve come to accept that growth is a vital part of my life. Without growth there is no survival. Without healing there’s no point in living. I welcome growth, and all the pains that one finds along this sacred road.





Now, I feel lighter. I’m reclaiming the parts of me that were lost to the sorceress, the parts that protected me with tough skin, a chin held high even though I was dying inside. You see, it’s not healthy to destroy all your personas and defense mechanisms. We have them for a reason.Without my defenses, I was vulnerable to abuse, not just by her, but by people in power in different aspects of my life. 





My wounds were on display for any predator to see, as through her training, I adopted the demeanor of a lame deer, just waiting to become some lioness’ prey. I’d lost the survival instincts that I needed to show the world that I was not someone to fuck with. I became a fucking Care Bear, which is fine, but there are times when we need to bare our fangs for the sake of survival.





So, of course, this lame deer found a place to hide.





Back then, it was all a lie. Since the 8th grade, I learned that if you pretend you’re not afraid, no one will fuck with you. If they do, and you can hold your poker face, they’ll stop fucking with you. Sometimes you have to fight, but then they will know. 





I’m no one to fuck with.





It’s not a lie anymore. I don’t have to pretend I’m not afraid. I have roots that ground me, integrity that centers me, and an open heart that guides the way. I don’t bother with small-minded haters, and I send grace to anyone who might consider themselves my enemy. Yet I can bare my fangs and I will fight if I have to.





So, here I am. No longer hiding. No longer afraid of rejection. No longer tailoring my words for acceptance and understanding. I feel stronger than I have in a long time.





I’ve come full circle, it seems. A four-year cycle is finally ending, and I can’t believe that I’ve made it this far. I’m so grateful.





To anyone reading this, I pray blessings of peace, clarity, and overwhelming abundance.





Good night. ❤











			

	


				
					


	

		
Gathering My Tinsel and Pearl
	

			

			
		

				

			 ~ Ikaika Luana Torres			 ~ Leave a comment					

				

		

This image belongs to the New York Post





I came to Portland with the mind of a curious yet broken child, and I will leave this city with my sovereignty, my peace, and my Truth.





I’ve outgrown those rose-colored shades, for I can’t heal what I can’t see.





I’ve abandoned the illusion of perfection and virtue, for bright lights create shadow, and my soul chooses the Middle Path.





I’m transmuting the lust for money, power, and recognition, the culture of internalized white supremacy.





I’m confronting my fears and reparenting my orphaned inner-children, for this work makes me whole.





I’m accepting responsibility for the pain I’ve caused others, and of course, myself. Here I reclaim innocence and peace.





I’m choosing to sit with my own grief, to channel my rage in beneficial ways, and to give myself grace when I don’t have the strength.





I’m learning to rest, to listen, to receive.  Most of all, to be patient.





I’m reclaiming my Divinity. No human on Earth can take this from me.





I’m learning to treat Creation as Creator, a Temple made in Their image.





I’m taking my power back from all man-made institutions, like religion, politics, and the assumptions of my own peers.





I’m learning what it means to love and be loved, imperfect as we are.





The growing pains promise new beginnings, like a wish on a butterfly wing.





The destruction and creation happens simultaneously, thus I embrace both grief and joy, and continue to dance along the sacred red road.





I am gathering these lessons, and letting untruth fall away. 





I am grateful for all that has transpired.





 I am listening….






			

	


				
					


	

		
The Night My Shadow Came Home
	

			

			
		

				

			 ~ Ikaika Luana Torres			 ~ Leave a comment					

				

		

Photo credit: Umberto Shaw





I remember how he used to visit me everynight, holding me in the dark, a cold pistol to my temple. 





The rage and pain rocked me like a crack baby, while I spat prayers of peace and silence between the waves of grief and coughing snot. 





I’d come to depend on the pain he brought me. I appreciated his loyalty. 





How long had I been trapped in that prison?





Between my thoughts, in every silent moment, where the mystics sought Nirvana, I found only Hell. 





Of course, I left this world. I escaped this body. Why remain in this tortured state when psychosis is free medicine? And oh, the realms I’ve explored.





But that’s another story.





During the day, I felt the shadow stalking behind, whispering of failure and worthlessness. His pistol to my head, threatening my life with his hatred. After so many decades, I’d come to believe his lies.





I remember the moments he stole, like the time my parents remembered my birthday, and as everyone sang Happy Birthday to me, he whispered of disgust and shame.





Or when I almost had a good time at that party with some people I didn’t know, he took hold of me in front of everyone, called me a worthless slut.





From then on I was the “psycho worthless slut.”





And despite how much he couldn’t stand me, he came, night after night, with the barrel of his pistol to my head.





Why not pull the trigger already?





Then something changed. Over the course of 20 years, or so.





I was sitting up in bed, listening to the silence between my thoughts and realized that I was not in Hell. I remembered from whence I came.





As every person I ever hurt, and all of whom have hurt me, came before me carrying a black box. I opened my heart and offered them Love.





One by one, I retrieved my soul and reclaimed by peace, turning enemies into relations. Until he came forward.





His face hidden behind his pistol, his heart behind the words, “I hate you.” 





His arm, grotesque with muscle, bulged out of his torn shirt.





While the skinny left arm hung useless, an impotent worm.





I stood, an epiphany opening like a rose bud on a frosty morning, and went to him.





“I remember you, Brother. I know why you hold your weapon out like so. I know why you’re here. Do you remember?”





He shoved his gun in my face, pressing the cold barrel to my head. “To kill you. I hate you.”





The stench of rotting corpses spewed from his mouth, the sewage of his heart.





In the past, I believed him. But now…





I nodded. “Yes. Should I have taken a dark path, should I have been a danger to the people I love, should I have failed at my mission, it was your job to kill me, to spare my soul the burdens of evil. It was me who gave you this task.”





His scowled face melted in understanding, while his tears fell down my cheeks. I reached out to take the weapon from him, but changed my mind.





“You did your job well, Shadow. My soul belongs to me and my body is safe, thanks to your vigilance. I have a new job for you now. Keep the weapon concealed.”





Shadow lowered his arm, and I saw his face for the first time. He was just a boy in need of a bath. “I did good?”





I nodded, “You did good.”





He smirked. “I can eat? I can sleep now?”





“Of course.”





So the Shadow took refuge in the center of my heart, while the others watched and began to ask, “What about me? I can eat now? I can sleep?”











			

	


				
					


	

		
On Purpose, Forgiveness, and Sagittarius’ Lofty Aim
	

			

			
		

				

			 ~ Ikaika Luana Torres			 ~ Leave a comment					

				

		

Image credit: Siah St. Clair





I am learning to represent myself in truth. Over the past four years, I’ve peeled off multiple layers of armor and dismantled systems of chameleon-like shapeshifting. These methods of survival allowed me to maintain a certain level of sanity, but stripped me of dignity and relatability. CPTSD lends itself to a hard knock life. 





Today, I feel these old ways of being falling away at my feet, like autumn leaves. Like a snake, having molted all winter, it is through fiery movement that I feel the old skin peeling back, defining itself as “not me anymore”, while I find fresh new skin, an opportunity to show the world who I really am.





I sift through old motivations based on root wounds, like wanting to be accepted and celebrated by folks who just can’t wrap their mind around my otherness, folks who might confuse my God-given gifts with sickness. Today I seek the compassion in my heart to forgive the ones who may  never realize their error. I call upon my soul to forgive for the sake of my own peace, that my intentions and motivations are purified.





What are the more pure motivations of my heart, and can they ever be executed in a way that represents who I am? Must I continue to study the dominant culture in order to tailor my words for the sake of understanding? Must I build bridges for those who refuse to cross them?





If not, if my sole purpose is simply to be who I am without apology, without explanation, without fear of banishment or punishment, what would that even look like?





I have been blessed with a beautiful spouse who is learning, like me, to make space for the parts of us that have never been seen or loved. In these spaces, I find myself unlearning the ways of the world and wanting a much simpler life.





I see a child in the jungle, singing to the trees and the creatures like in a 90s Disney animation, and I thank God that my prayers of fame and fortune were not manifested. I see celebrities with very little freedom, not even able to maintain relationships without having to account for false pretenses, gold-digging, and fake friends. I feel sorry for them.





I’ve entertained so many dreams, many of these truly grand, and I admit that in the past I’ve held grandiose sentiments about myself and what any human would realistically be able to accomplish in one life. Now that I see myself more clearly, and I find a tangible path to the life of my dreams, right here at my feet, I still channel great visions of creative projects, social service, and world healing. Why?





Steve Jobs said that, “The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.” 





But what of such ambition?





I know that many of my friends and family have given up on me. I’ve made peace with that. I know that a lot of the people I care about don’t reciprocate my tenderness or desire to connect. I’ve been asked to understand who they are, why they are, and to accept that their state of mind is not about me. I’ve also come to make peace with the fact that I’ve been toxic. No, I mean, really toxic. People do what they have to do for self-preservation, and I am at peace with that.





I’ve come to accept that of the 4k Facebook friends I once had, only a handful are truly down for me, and it’s the same friends who were there when I had nothing to offer but drunken promises of friendship and love.





It’s a sober moment to realize that all I’ve spent my entire life chasing the wrong thing, trying to earn love where it didn’t exist, trying too hard to make friends, compromising too much of my truth, and for what? Nothing.





I’ll take the grey hairs and the crows feet with my pouch of well-earned pearls.





Now I ask Creator. What will you do with the rest of my life? Am I to live the simple life, a humble yet joyful retirement, or would you send me to the front lines for future generations? Would you have me place my hands upon the Earth for healing? Do you want me to share everything I’ve learned along this path? Now that I don’t care for Hollywood ties, would you sell the stories that have haunted me all these years?





Does the caterpillar know it’s a butterfly? When the metamorphosis takes place, does the butterfly wonder how it will fly? Does it anticipate flight and does it fear a fall? Does it dream about flying? Or does it simply allow death? Completely let go?





This is where I am, my friends. I’m stepping into a new world, a seemingly foreign universe. Deep down, I feel I’m coming home.





In this world, forgiveness and grace starts in my heart. Humbleness is wisdom and happiness is success. The fruits of our good green Earth is abundance, and I already have everything I need. 





To those reading, I may not know who you are, but I pray for your health, your happiness, and a deep, everlasting peace.





Bless up,





Kaika ❤






			

	


				
					


	

		
Masculine Power, Dancing Polarities, and Jedi Temple Ghosts
	

			

			
		

				

			 ~ Ikaika Luana Torres			 ~ Leave a comment					

				

		

This image belongs to Disney. (duh)





I’m beginning to wield masculine power in healthy ways.  I’m learning to be patient when I’m angry, confident when I’m afraid.





Easy to fake, not easy to become.





 A father to my inner daughter. A brother to my wife.





The light may flood the shifting dark, the darkness fall upon light.





An expansive Love, the edge of my blade, a fierce Rage, its other.





The trick is to stay balanced.





The secret is to dance.





Beware. 





The uninitiated find themselves on deadly tightropes.





The shadow lingers like chamber smoke, inhaling poison and filling the spirit with darkness.





Don’t rush to the dark side upon childish passions. 





Take the time to train the mind, to expand the heart, and learn to see both good and bad in everyone.





Along the Middle Path, the Grey Padawan is filled with purpose.

			

	


				
					


	

		
The Resurrection of Spring <3
	

			

			
		

				

			 ~ Ikaika Luana Torres			 ~ Leave a comment					

				

		

Photo Credit: PDX Monthly





The mind melts with tea and honey, reorganized like the sentience of my vacuum cleaner.





The world shifts like moving pictures, forking paths around the garden. 





I’ve never been here before.





I used to have a relationship with the public, but that’s all changed. I pulled away because I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I used it to cope and abused it as a medicine. I took power from the people who looked up to me. 





I realized that the purpose of spiritual ego was to hide behind a mask, to hide the fact that I felt powerless in a dangerous world. I went looking for my power, the kind that comes from within.





From above to below, in all directions. I’ve only just begun my journey.





I’m sorry for the person I’ve been.





First I went to outer/inner space to find the parts of me I left behind when I allowed myself to become what I came.





I set foot on the Earth for the first time in thirty years, and I was filled with rage at what I saw.





I bore witness to the atrocities committed by the ruling class and I got lost in what I thought of as my personal rebellion. My inner revolution.





I saw darkness and light. I bathed in Fire and Water. I went to the Queen and the King and claimed my inheritance.





Now, I am a child again, learning the difference between milk and glue.





What I’m trying to say is that I’m back. I’m going to share my spiritual journey here. I will be graceful with you, World, and I pray you are graceful with me.





Back in the MySpace days, I called myself “Your Local Christian Heretic.” Well, I’m not a Christian anymore, but I’m sure as hell still a heretic. I’m thinking “Earth Temple Witch.”





Yeah, I’m a Mama’s boy.  





Come back if you can.





Aloha ❤





Kaika (ky-kuh)





he / they

			

	


				
					


	

		
Poem: Awake at 4 AM
	

			

			
		

				

			 ~ Ikaika Luana Torres			 ~ Leave a comment					

				

		

I am awake at 4 am despite exhaustion in my bones. The mattress springs have rusted from the tears I cannot cry.





I am awake at 4 am because my body craves a poem, a witness to the mourning in my soul. A quiet death, invisible butterfly.





I am awake at 4 am as white supremacy digs its nine-inch heels into my flesh, insisting its innocence while demanding absolution.





I am awakened by the sight of the seemingly endless distance between shades of skin and the realities we live in, miles I cannot close on my own.





When cognitive dissonance tastes like wine, drunk, we await our savior while entertaining fantasies of Utopia and vomit our medicine.





Not me. I am alone on this bridge. I built it, but they didn’t come. Somewhere a child understands they are not anymore.





I am awake at 5:30.





I am awake at 6 am.





I am awake, here gather all my strength.





The Lion roars at dawn.





Portland at Sunrise. Photo credit: Ritza Garzia

			

	


				
					


	

		
Forgiveness and Release
	

				

			 ~ Ikaika Luana Torres			 ~ Leave a comment					

				

		

To anyone and everyone I have ever hurt before:





I’m sorry. Forgive me. Thank you. I love you.





To anyone and everyone who has ever hurt me:





I’m sorry. Forgive me. Thank you. I love you.





I’m ready to be at peace in my heart and soul, with which I wrap my gifts and offerings to the highest good.





I pray for inner peace and guidance.





Blessings to all.





Good night.





Kaika ❤






			

	


				
					


	

		
Poem: The Crossroad of Destiny and Fate
	

			

			
		

				

			 ~ Ikaika Luana Torres			 ~ Leave a comment					

				

		

Suspended belief, like unsettled dust in dark corners of mind, tempt me to breathe. The pain subsides as I dare to hope the worst has passed.





I remember my bloody knees and innocent heart between my teeth as I whispered prayers with hands bound and eyes shut tight.





Decades have passed and still the ink stains my skin with tell-tale sigils seared, while I hope someone, somewhere might know what they mean.





As I count my scars and most trusted allies, placing tokens of loyalty in deep pockets, I wonder who will sing the dirges of Winter this year.





Here I grip my weapon, a beloved heirloom passed down the lineages of genocide and the shadows of power, blessed by the Bishop Prince.





Dare I trust the turning tide? If the darkness turns light, might I forget how to fight?





Hunger grips my bones while the winds whip my soul. I have held my mind steady like a ghost ship under Huracan. I fear I have survived, but why?





You have broken the curse.





Have I? 





I peer down the crossroads under Priestess’ Moonlight, the tracks of my shadow, donkey hooves and cum stains on the sacred red dirt.





Prophet’s poetry manifests like the warmth of my breath. 





Dear God,





What is the meaning of this?





I continue along my path with this song in my heart, like a needle in the night, I remember.





I remember.