Short Story: My Friend Grief

Grief is my visitor. He won’t stay long, yet long enough.

I recall the night he knocked on my door. The shadows of my newfound solitude invited me inward. I was pleased with myself, and deserving of a reward for making a difficult decision. In a pleasant mood, I was about to open a bottle of wine. A bold Merlot, you know.

Just as I grazed my fingertips upon the dusty green bottle, and sensed a thirst in my cheeks, I heard my visitor tapping. Somehow, I knew that it wasn’t a time for celebration.

Observing a shift within me, like the descent of an elevator, touching down on the basement floor, I went for the door. I promised myself the wine would flow at the right time.

It was late night and the rain was pouring down. Many memories washed over me as the cold draft met my skin. Grief stood on my heart-shaped porch, without a cover, awaiting his welcome. I touched my chest as a single tear fell. My old friend was back again.

We have a bittersweet relationship, Grief and I, and still, I call him friend. He’s taught me  much during his extended stays. We know each other well.

He’s like the night that falls, on schedule, bringing shadows and obscurity. I had learned to appreciate the sunlight, for the evening would come, soon enough.

I opened the door wide for him. He picked up two pieces of luggage, regret and growing pains, and silently stepped in. I took his coat and hat. He made himself at home.

For the first night, we sat before the fire. We didn’t speak to each other. We didn’t sleep. We just sat there, feeling the others’ presence.

I tried to open my heart to him, to accept him, and resist the urge to run. Avoidance behavior cost me so much trouble in the past. Now, life is much simpler, but it means acceptance of Grief, of who he really is.

Sometimes the moonlight shines through the kitchen window, and I can sing and dance as I celebrate my tender heart. He stares at me, his bushy eyebrows scrunched in confusion. His knees, bent at his chin, as he sits on the bottom step. He doesn’t understand how I can laugh and play when he’s around. I try to explain to him what it means to have joy. I think he likes the idea.

Other times, though, he comes to me at night. He sits at the foot of my bed, and it seems that we can hear each others’ thoughts. I speak the sadness of my heart, hoping the sound might absorb my pain. I tell her that everything is okay, and that I’ll always love and think of her, and that I pray for her every day and night. I wonder if her heart can hear mine. Then, sometimes, I cry.

I’m not sure how long he’s staying, but I can’t rush him away. If I’m going to heal, it’s going to take time, and I should give him all the time he needs. Really, I’m doing this for myself. No band-aids, no cover-ups, no crutches or addictions. No denial or repression, no avoidance behavior.

It’s just me and my friend Grief.


Short Story: The Reluctant Hero

I’m standing on a high cliff, overlooking some foreign ocean. The night is falling upon the scene, as starlight breaks through the darkening blue sky, and I.

I’m barefoot and shirtless. My hands are empty, too.

The salty breeze chills my skin, but I am transfixed by the sight of the ocean, its magnificent beauty, coupled with the intense fear of its power, awakening deep inside of me.

A tear streams down my cheek. Could one be so awestruck and fearful at the same time? A voice whispers in my heart.

It is the Aquarian sage. “The journey ahead of you, behold, in a ship of your own vessel. This is all for you.”

Yet, I know what this means.

“You must leave behind everything you have ever known. The bed you sleep in, the comfort of perceived limitations. The masochistic words you mumble under your breath. Your poisonous drink. You have outgrown these things. They have no place in your life anymore.”

Somewhere inside me, an Arian Warrior stands poised to dive into the depths of the great unknown, unaware, unafraid, but on the surface, right now, an unsure child stares at his feet.

But my hands are dirty. I’m unforgiven.

The Aquarian speaks. “Everything you have been through has prepared you for this moment. Yet, you have free will. You may choose to turn back at any time.”

The Arian lays down his weapon, a spear, at my feet. He kneels before me, his arms flexed to display his strength. His long hair falls like a curtain over his face as he bows. “I swear to protect you from the evils of this world, as you would save me from the evils of myself.” He rises to his feet, picks up his spear, and points it toward the horizon, to the bow of Sagittarius, five twinkling stars. “There is the satisfaction of your soul.” The warrior turns behind him, to the past, “There is meaningless comfort. The choice is yours alone.” He lays his hand on my shoulder. “I will follow you, wherever you go.”

I hear the clopping of hooves, the folding of wings. Beside me stands Chiron, the centaur. I look up at him, enchanted by his figure, half a man, half a horse. His green eyes stare out at the ocean.

Chiron is my Sun. He is, in many ways, my father, teacher, and best friend.

In his silence, the planet makes her trip many times. I watch as the Moon spins around the Earth. The Sun follows the elliptic. My hands grow larger, my spine taller. My mind expands and poses unanswerable questions, provoking a yearning within. What am I feeling?

Finally, almost three decades later, Chiron turns to me, the white hairs on his chin, blowing in the wind. “What are you feeling?” He asks.

“Time is no more,” I whisper, barely audible. “Chiron, this is magnificent, and I refuse to deny my destiny, but I am human, and this makes me alone.”

The hooves of the centaur clop as he moves closer to me. His human torso bends until his chiseled face is just before mine. I see, now, that his green eyes are rimmed with yellow and orange.

“You have never belonged on Earth, Dear One. That is why you feel alone. Yet if you see with your third eye, that has never been the case.”

Chiron reaches behind his back and delivers a bow and quiver. “This is a tool, not a weapon. Always aim upward, for greatness only exists in the higher skies.”

I take the items, throwing them over my bareback.

A woman appears before me. Her silk gown bellows behind her, white like the moon. She opens her hand, to reveal a pair of golden scales. “Two thousand lifetimes, and you have settled your karmic debt. But that’s not enough. You must create a surplus.”

“Libra,” I whisper. “Must I go alone?”

The corners of her thin lips turn up. “You may take anyone willing.”

I exhale, wishing to banish the passion of my heart, now burning my flesh, it seems. For, I desire the unwilling. I find the courage to meet the goddess’ eyes.

Libra’s eyes are white, innocent with justice, convicting my heart, compelling my speech.

I hesitate. “But, isn’t my twin supposed to help me?”

Libra lifts her hand, and I feel her fingertips glide over my face. “Your twin is with you, always. Though not in flesh, you feel her in spirit, do you not?”

I look down, to the dust, dissatisfied.

“Let that be enough,” Libra leans in and kisses my cheek. “Beloved, you have Chiron as your Sun, Ares as your Rising guide, and the scales of Justice by moonlight. Call upon Pan when problems arise. Let the Aquarian lead your heart.”

The Horned God stands beside me, half a goat, half a man. I can smell the mint he chews. I feel his calloused fingertips on the crown of my head. “You will focus on the mountain peak. When you see your destination, trust your feet, for they will not lead you astray.”

I close my eyes, receiving his blessing. When I open them, the ancient gods are gone. The sage, warrior, centaur, goddess, and satyr live within me. Combined, they are me.

I’m alone again, on the mountain’s cliff, staring out at the dark ocean.

Scorpius twinkles in Midheaven. A cycle has passed. It is time for rebirth.

Poem: The Starseed

I lay in the grass
in the trees
in the sand
with questions in my
Light grenades in my

Father Sky
abandoned me?
Guidance, please.
Our Mother

The Humans
the hand that
I am not accustomed
to needing

a distant
Vivid dreams of
purple skies.
I want to go

and ghosts, they
talk to me.
Animals, alike.
Yet, people
don’t understand.
At all.

They ask me
what it was
like, my
world. I only
that we Loved one

This place is
cruel, a living
Hell, but they
can’t seem to help
themselves. Nor
can I,

I wish I
show them
there’s a better
way to live.

Maybe I can.

Twin Flame Separation — Why??

There you are, with tissues littering your bed. Maybe you’ve got a box of half-eaten chocolates somewhere. Your best friend is threatening to take you speed-dating if you don’t pull yourself together. Perhaps you’ve deleted your Twin’s number from your phone, blocked them on social media, and convinced yourself that it’s over and you should move on already. Except.

Your heart is hopelessly, relentlessly, idiotically in Love with someone who wants nothing to do with you. LOL. What the fuck, Universe?


It’s one of those things that makes you drop to your knees, staring up at the stars, screaming, “Why?? Whhhhaaaaayyyyeee????

What did I do to deserve this?

Nothing. It’s just part of the process. The Union / separation cycle between Twins, also known as “the Twin Flame dance,” is kind of predictable. It is the outward effect of magnetic energy moving between Twins.

Attract, repel, attract, repel. Like magnets.

Separation is the time where the caterpillar surrenders his life, an ego death, and incubates in its cocoon. This phase could be as tragic or enjoyable as you make it. It could last days, weeks, months, years, or decades. It depends on you.

The first separation is the most difficult. 

The ego causes unprecedented levels of unnecessary drama. It creates stories that support negative beliefs about yourself. “I’m not good enough.” “No one will ever love me.” Stuff like that. Or maybe your ego tells stories about others. “He’s not worth it.” “He’ll never see me for who I am.”

Our ego goes to war with the heart. This conflict, the resistance, is the source of all suffering. The ego will make you completely miserable if you let it, until it decides to give up. Or you decide to let it go. To stop listening. To focus on your heart.

Separation doesn’t have to hurt.

When we are connected to our twins at the heart chakra, when we are conscious of the connection on a 5D level, we naturally feel our twins, all the time. When we observe that feeling, we tap into their energy. There is no separation.

Think about it. You are an immortal soul, and you’re stuck with your Twin Flame for all eternity. That means forever, man.

Forever ever? Forever ever?

The only space you get from each other is physical space on a 3D plane, for the micro-unit of time that we are alive in carbon bodies. Which practically comes down to no space at all. Seriously, give your Twin space. Not just physical space, energetic space, too.

It is not energetically possible for your Twin to come back while you’re chasing.

It is not energetically possible for your Twin to return while you are looking outside yourself for the satisfaction of your needs.

You stop running/chasing by turning within. You figure out what you need from your Twin, and you find a way to give it yourself. You ask, why do I tell these stories? You wonder, where did my self-image come from? You think, you search, you dig deep inside, and no matter what you find, you Love yourself.

Then, your Twin returns. When you Love yourself, you Love your twin.

It is not energetically possible to give Love to your twin without receiving that Love from yourself. Your twin is you. On a sub-quantum level, you are exactly the same substance. So, if you are blocking Love from Self, you are also blocking Love from Twin, and your TF is doing the same.

We learn how to Love ourselves during separation. Every cycle breaks another block, heals another wound. When Twin returns, we practice giving that Love away. After we pass the test, we graduate, and go on to the next cycle.

When you look at things this way, you see there is nothing to be upset about when your Twin goes away. It’s just the Twin Flame dance. They will be back when the time is right. Trust in that.


Surrender is a decision made in every single moment. You must be proactive in choosing to remain in a state of non-attachment. This is easier for some than others.

Trusting that we will be taken care of is difficult if you were not taken care of as a child. There may be massive amounts of fear surrounding attachment. This is usually related to the relationship between caregiver and infant. If a mother doesn’t Love her baby, the baby innately knows that it could die. It’s a survival fear. If this is you, heal yourself by becoming the caregiver to your inner baby.

If you have never practiced non-attachment, it may be difficult at first. That discomfort you feel in the physical absence of your twin, the separation anxiety, is attachment. There is a child inside whom thinks they might die if they don’t receive Love. We nurture that child until it’s filled with bliss.

Ego Stories

It doesn’t matter how  many times I say it, people forget to check their egos. When your inner child is crying for your Twin, it loves to tell stories. Take the time to identify what stories are being told about Twin’s physical absence. One of my ego’s favorite is “She doesn’t give a shit about you.”

Really, ego?

Everything is pointing to this reality: She doesn’t give a shit about you. If she did, would she do this? Would she say that? Look, there is evidence. Remember when she did this? Or that? You should be outraged. You should get drunk and text her about how angry you are! Blah blah blah. Brain shart.

Please don’t drunk text your Twin.

Your ego will mind-fuck you if you let it. Seriously. The ego doesn’t understand Love. It will never tell you the Truth, because it doesn’t know the truth. When your Twin is away, don’t give your ego the opportunity to spin you in a web of confusion. If you don’t know what’s happening, simply admit it.

I have no fucking clue why my Twin disappeared just now, but fuck it. I’m going to focus on me. #cutthedrama

But I need you!

That’s why your Twin disappeared. When you start to feel co-dependent, you absolutely need your Twin to hold your hand, or you’ll never make it. Yeah, that’s when they typically peace out. Why? Because the energy of co-dependence repels Twin Flame Union. Your Twin is teaching you that you don’t need them. This is something you can, and will, handle on your own.

Let’s talk about need for a moment. You are a sovereign being, and your Twin is inside you.  You are a god/dess. You don’t need your Twin. On the other hand, yes, you do.

God, I need my Twin. Like right now.

This need has to be balanced to support Twin Flame Union. Healthy need is not desperate. Healthy need says, “I can make it without you, but I’d rather not.” Healthy need is not about surviving, but thriving.

I know how to survive without my Twin. I know that I could find a way to be happy without her. Yet, I need her to help me become the best version of myself. I need her support for the mission. I need her friendship and trust. I need her to help me build my dreams.

See the diff?


Separation is the perfect time for practicing telepathy. Since modes of communication vary, the best way to learn is to just do it. You could talk out loud, write letters and burn them, send mental images, or ask your guides to bring them songs. You could even send your Twin orgasms. Fun!

Pay attention to your dreams. Your Twin may send information they don’t know how to communicate with words.

Don’t expect your Twin to be conscious of telepathic dialogue. If your TF is still asleep, you are probably conversing with their Higher Self, which, at this point, is deep in their subconscious mind.

Wait or Date?

There’s no right or wrong answer to this. It’s a choice you will have to make after examining your motives. Don’t date if it’s just a distraction. Do date if it’s fun. Don’t fuck someone just to make your Twin jealous. Do fuck someone if that person is healthy and the sex is good.

Please be careful of who you sleep with. There is an energy exchange that takes place on a soul level when you sleep with someone. You share this energy with your Twin. Your TF may or may not feel you having sex with someone else, but I promise you, they will be affected by the energy of the other person.

One thing to keep in mind about dating. If you get into a relationship with someone else, you’re no longer available to your Twin. This could delay 3D Union. Or it could help 3D Union. Follow your heart. Trust your soul. If you still have lessons to learn, you may be guided to date. If not, well.


If your heart rejects everyone who comes along, this is a good thing. It means you’ve learned your lessons, and it’s likely that your next lover will be your Twin. The not-so-great thing about this is that you have no idea how long it may take before you have sex with anyone other than yourself. So, you may as well get good at masturbation.

Those with sexual wounds may find themselves in a period of celibacy. Purifying your sexual energy is vital to healing.

There’s a difference between making Love to yourself and jerking off.

Consider giving your orgasm an intention. Orgasms are powerful. It’s the place where the body, mind, heart, and soul aligns and shoots off massive amounts of energy. This is sex magick. The best way to use this energy is for healing. I always say, “heal us both.” Never say, “heal my Twin.” Unless your Twin has given you permission to perform a healing, it’s considered dark magick. It’s better to say, “heal us both.” If you accept healing, your Twin is in acceptance also. Don’t be specific about what kind of healing you want to see. Let your Twin’s guides decide what’s best.

Check out my blog on Light magick if you feel uneasy about this.

You could always send the orgasm to your Twin. That’s kind of fun. But, don’t go crazy with this. You don’t want to disrupt their lives.

Please be mindful of the energy you send your twin. If you are obsessively focused on them, they may block the connection, for good reason.

Live Your Life

Your Twin will come back when you have healed your wound, and you are feeling great about life again. Go out there and live. Don’t do it for your Twin. Do it for you!

Separation doesn’t have to be painful or dramatic. It’s up to you to make it what you want it to be. When separation becomes less painful, you are closer to Union. Common knowledge may say otherwise, but this isn’t a 3D relationship.

Many 3D relationships are based solely on attachment. So we think, if it stops hurting, that means we’ve stopped caring. This isn’t true in the TF dynamic. True Love thrives in non-attachment. I promise, in the absence of attachment, you will still be head over heels in Love with your Twin. The energy will feel much healthier and balanced.

Don’t resist thinking about your Twin. Instead, raise the vibrations of your thoughts with hope, faith, and Love. Every time you feel good, take a moment and send that energy to Twin. They will think of you, in a good way. ❤

I Love you all,


The Dark Forces

WARNING: This post is not for the easily frightened.



I have been scarred by dark forces. I have been disturbed. I will never be the same.

I cannot turn my head to the dark, lest I dishonor myself. It is part of me now. I am One with it.

It was during an Ayahuasca ceremony, a safe one. I have participated in dangerous ceremonies before. You will see in this text.

I was taken to a hellish dimension.

Grandmother showed me one dark system in particular. I had seen it before, in other dimensions, from different perspectives. This time, I understood how it worked, and why. I realized that this pillar, this system would stand for eternity.

It shattered my soul, literally.

I saw giant pillars, underground. These were the foundations of the Dark. They were black, with rust like blood. Demons moved about, like ants in a hill. They were busy. Doing what? I saw two in particular, handsome men, leaning over the pillar, talking business. I remember them. I had met them before. I’ll tell you later.

When Grandmother speaks to me, it’s like being in a 5D theatre. The experience is multidimensional. All my senses are engaged.

The darkness is cut off from the Light. That is why it is survival energy. Light is life, so the darkness is death. Dark entities aren’t even alive. The vampire is an effective metaphor.

The vampire is dead. It has no real life of its own. Blood is representative of life. Light is life. To survive, it must drain the life out of a neutral source. Demons can’t feed on angels. The darkness is submissive to the Light. It’s never the other way around.


By the way, demons are allergic to garlic. The legends are passed down because there is truth hidden in it.

Dark entities, to survive, must feed on neutral sources. Enter the human race.

The Matrix is another effective metaphor.


The human race is enslaved. We are being disillusioned by a false reality that was manufactured to keep us unconscious of the truth. While we are preoccupied with the media and its bullshit circus show, they kill our prophets, rape our children, imprison our youth, poison our food and water, control our minds, destroy our planet, and steal our Light.

Oh, I have an idea. Let’s hold hands and sing kumbaya. Because that’ll make us feel better.

Don’t look away. We aren’t going to manifest a darker reality. We’re going to heal this one. We bring Light to the dark to heal it. That means accepting our own darkness.

Screen Shot 2016-01-02 at 3.57.24 AM

I was in Sedona, AZ. It must’ve been twenty degrees out there on the Cathedral Rock platform. The stars were bright in the New Moon sky. The majestic view of the red rocks under starlight caught me. Someone was singing to me. In another dimension.

Maybe we shouldn’t have had Ayahuasca that night. I knew I should’ve worn more layers. My muscles were sore from its constant quiver. We couldn’t drive or climb down the side of the rock in our current state. I wondered if I’d survive the night.

I know for sure that we should have cast a circle, called the corners, our guardians, hailed our angels, totems and guides. We didn’t have a shaman, and we didn’t realize the dangers. We were naive, vulnerable, unprotected, on Ayahuasca, in a Sedona vortex.

The two demons. One was young, a dark skinned, well groomed, handsome man. The other resembled a father, older, with a white beard and long hair. This is the kind of business that runs in families, from father to son.

They wore black robes, the older gentleman, some kind of ribbon, denoting his rank. They both felt warm and inviting. Yet cold and menacing.

We spoke telepathically. Welcome. We invite you to see this place.

I saw a pod, moving through the multiverse, time, space, and dimension.

We are very powerful. We are independent of the Light. We live a comfortable life.

I saw flashes of kings, thrones, blood, bones, screams, enough power to drive people mad.

You like the power, too.

I remained silent as I felt the inside of this pod, the other demons engaged in some kind of orgasmic ritual. It resembled tantra, energetically. Yes, they were powerful indeed.

Join us, they said.

That’s when I saw it. At the center of the pod, there was the source of its power. It was a child. A boy, maybe seven years old. He was floating in a smaller pod, a transparent pod. His leg was being ripped from his torso, in slow motion. An invisible force controlled the dismemberment. The child was being tortured.

They showed me at least fifty different worlds where human pedophiles act as puppets, the wood gatherers of their everlasting fire. Any time a pedophile is taken over by his perverse urges, the demons are there. They reap the child’s Light by torturing its soul.

Why children?


Children shine brighter than us all. They are innocent. Their connection to source is remarkably stronger than adults. A child is a much greater meal than even a teenager.

Join us, they said.

At this point, my body was ripping with agony. I could feel the child, feel its suffering in my bones. Save him? I was also being tortured. How could I save myself?

“Prem,” I said, into the silent night.

My soul brother was pacing in circles around us in the dark. He would later say, “Something was wrong. I felt something wrong up there.”

He stepped closer to me, as I was laying between blankets on the platform. “Yeah? You okay?”

I kept my eyes closed, still shivering, exhausted now. Fuck the demons. How would I survive the cold for another six hours? “I want to die, Prem.”

I saw the child in the bubble again, in a state of hell. I tried to look away, to feel something else. Couldn’t I control my own experience? Another wave of pain shattered my bones, it seemed.

Don’t look away, the demons said. Look closer.

The child’s arms were being torn apart. The agony seized my body, took the breath from my chest. At the same time, the demons seemed to reach some orgasmic peak.

I saw glimpses of men getting off. I saw the children they were raping. I saw the demons standing above. I saw the corpses of children.

Back to the pod, we moved through the multiverse at an accelerated rate.

Join us, they said.

Prem’s voice became lighter, but stronger at the same time. “No. You won’t die.”

“Let me die.” I broke down into a bawl. “It hurts too much. I can’t. Let me go, please. I can’t do this.”

Prem was closer now. I felt his energy over my left shoulder. He was squatting low. His voice shook me. “You can. Be strong.”

I saw the demons, their handsome faces. They were laughing now.

Join us.

I would never join you,” I sobbed.

They threw another kid into the fire.

I watched this ritual for an hour or so, while downloading information regarding my own bloodline. This is a curse, I thought.

I could never get the images out of my mind. I sometimes get flashbacks when I receive amber alerts or see missing child posters.

I cried for weeks.

Almost a year later. It was my first proper ceremony with a shaman who follows the traditional wisdom.

My Abuela came to me. She took me to a dark ritual on earth.

Under the cover of night, I saw men in black robes. Demons and angels. Children were being killed on a altar. I grieved for them.


I realized that I was a descendent of someone at this ritual. This is the curse my father told me about all my life. I thought he was just a crazy man, driven mad by his own share of darkness.

I had to break the curse, I thought.

A few months later, on my birthday, I was invited to join another medicine tribe. That was the night I saw the pillars.

Grandmother showed me how these dark systems work. Without these most evil rituals, the darkness would not sustain itself. Furthermore, it only becomes evil in extreme environments.

When the dark is balanced, it serves us well. When life, or Light is born into the third dimension, it marries the dark. This is what the Christians would call Original Sin. The Light needs the dark to survive its own evolution.

The Light is the Feminine energy. The Dark is the Masculine. Some say it is the other way around. I say, it depends on where you are standing. And it doesn’t matter.

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There cannot be one without the other. In separation, they devolve. In Union, they thrive. All of existence depend on these dark systems to work. They serve us all.

The victims of the dark, these children, they volunteered as immortal souls, just like me. No one forced me to go on this mission.

You see, only the dark is fighting the dark, which perpetuates more of itself. These systems will stand as long as there is imbalance.

I don’t mean to make you afraid. There is really nothing to fear. The dark is servant to the Light. Dark cannot be where there is Light. Demons flee when you see their beauty, open your heart and offer them Love. Demons fear Love. It’s sunlight to a vampire.

Love is your protection. There is nothing greater than Love.


I Love the dark. Where there is Love, there is not fear. Since there is not fear, the darkness is powerless over me.

Now, I come to see that there is no real difference between the two. We experience duality and separation to understand Oneness and Union.

You cannot come into Sacred Union within while ignoring your own darkness. Your shadow self is you. There is no Union where one creates separation.

So, how does one do shadow work? You have to face all the parts of yourself that you hate. The shame, the guilt, the unworthiness, the loneliness, the brokenness, the anger, the pain. When you ignore your shadow, it becomes like a monster in the closet. It will get you and it will fuck you. It will repeat fucking you until you understand why.

The shadow self is like a neglected child. It only misbehaves because it needs attention. It needs Love. The more you push away this child. The more you hate it, the more drastic things it will do to get your attention.


If you are your own worst enemy, it may be time to make amends.

When the shadow is self is integrated, it acts to protect you. It will stand up for you, fight for you. It’s good at setting boundaries and saying no without apologies. It warns you when others are ill-intentioned. It’s your own personal body guard. Trust it.

When the shadow self is integrated, there is no evil. Evil can only thrive in extreme environments. Balance is the key.

Love is the remedy.