New Life, Protective Shadow, and RIP to my friend Sheila

I love you my friend

I’m starting to feel an emergence of new life after a long journey through the Underworld. I saw ghosts and demons, real life monsters in mirrors. I faced self-hatred and pity, shame and selfishness, the most disgusting parts of me. I paid my karmic debt for years of toxic positivity with inevitable passage through the darker realms.

I have gained much through the Temperance of the Middle Way.

Today was especially difficult. I finally went back onto Instagram and found a message from a friend whom had been looking for me. I was also trying to get a hold of her, but lost her number. She passed away and no one had anyway of telling me because I was hiding in my cell. I realized then that my hermetic comfort cost me far more than I’d anticipated.

I was hiding because I’d been hurt by a sorceress, someone who was supposed to be my teacher and mentor. She had hurt so many people in such profound ways, someone had to stand up to her. So I did. As you can imagine, it didn’t turn out well for me. Yet I do not regret my words or actions.

I hid from her as I felt a curse fall like a blanket of smoke over a crowd of young souls. It had happened before in another life, and yet I made the same mistake of running and hiding. It seemed the wisest thing to do, because the truth is, I was in over my head. I didn’t know how to protect myself from such a powerful being.

With great grief in my heart I can see that in my crystal cave I hid from the ones who loved me. I cut out good people for the sake of one. I abandoned a friend without so much of a word of explanation.

I’m so sorry, Sheila. I miss you. I love you. I’m sorry for not being a better friend. God rest your soul.

It was more than that.

I used to spill my guts all over the screen, but now days, I have a Scorpion wife whose privacy is her safe space, and I have vowed to protect that space. Let’s just say that marriage is hard work. I was a fool to think otherwise. My other half is a constant reminder that I myself am not a perfect being, and to love my shadow is the single most greatest challenge of this world, and also the key to a more Divine Union with my wife.

After a long day of seemingly fruitless emotional toil, I sat in the bathtub where I usually baptize myself in the womb of the Divine Mother. Here I cried tears of frustration, of long-suffering, and of being oh-so-fucking-done with the way that I’d been living –the life of a child, ever-expectant, naive and dependent. Angry and entitled.

It is the moment of Death, the Ten of Swords, that I declared that I could not go on like that anymore. I opened my heart and allowed it all to come to the surface, to be seen by the Ones who guide me, heal me, Love me. Then, I laid down and slept for two hours.

I’ve come to accept that growth is a vital part of my life. Without growth there is no survival. Without healing there’s no point in living. I welcome growth, and all the pains that one finds along this sacred road.

Now, I feel lighter. I’m reclaiming the parts of me that were lost to the sorceress, the parts that protected me with tough skin, a chin held high even though I was dying inside. You see, it’s not healthy to destroy all your personas and defense mechanisms. We have them for a reason.Without my defenses, I was vulnerable to abuse, not just by her, but by people in power in different aspects of my life.

My wounds were on display for any predator to see, as through her training, I adopted the demeanor of a lame deer, just waiting to become some lioness’ prey. I’d lost the survival instincts that I needed to show the world that I was not someone to fuck with. I became a fucking Care Bear, which is fine, but there are times when we need to bare our fangs for the sake of survival.

So, of course, this lame deer found a place to hide.

Back then, it was all a lie. Since the 8th grade, I learned that if you pretend you’re not afraid, no one will fuck with you. If they do, and you can hold your poker face, they’ll stop fucking with you. Sometimes you have to fight, but then they will know.

I’m no one to fuck with.

It’s not a lie anymore. I don’t have to pretend I’m not afraid. I have roots that ground me, integrity that centers me, and an open heart that guides the way. I don’t bother with small-minded haters, and I send grace to anyone who might consider themselves my enemy. Yet I can bare my fangs and I will fight if I have to.

So, here I am. No longer hiding. No longer afraid of rejection. No longer tailoring my words for acceptance and understanding. I feel stronger than I have in a long time.

I’ve come full circle, it seems. A four-year cycle is finally ending, and I can’t believe that I’ve made it this far. I’m so grateful.

To anyone reading this, I pray blessings of peace, clarity, and overwhelming abundance.

Good night. ❤

The JOKER: How to Collapse the Wave Function

This image belongs to DC.

When the fear of death subsided, the tension in my body melted.

The multiverse spun around me, as if I was in the center of some cosmic clock.

I saw pieces of me in parallel worlds.

The Joker’s disfigured face twisted into a scarred smile.

His pain was potential violence at rest, a merciless volcano awaiting release.

A rot wilier howled with great fear.

The old ladies didn’t know what to do.

The Archetype lived in a parallel world, yet also in here, my fragmented spirits.

If I am to become the most optimal version of myself, the superposition must collapse.

To collapse the wave function, the shadows must be reintegrated.

As within, so without.

The Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram.

I touched the Joker’s disfigured face. Only I could see the depth of his pain.

“I know why you take innocent life,” I said. “I understand you.”

Lava erupted from his white eyes, kinetic violence in action, but he could not touch me.

For I was an invisible spirit, his higher self.

Then he collapsed on the floor, his body contorting. He was foaming at the mouth.

He telepathed images of the darkside, disturbing hence silent.

As he writhed in my arms, choking on his own tongue.

“I know, Brother.” I said. “I know.

“Thank you for holding my pain, you beautiful soul.

“It’s time to come home.”

Then the blinding white light came from all around.

As Angels appeared to harmonize his song.

The demons fled his body as it dissolved into white ash.

Oh, and the ladies called the police.

No, the ambulance.

The howling turned to whining as I whispered, “it’s okay to die.”

And in a moment it was done.

The ashes gone, a new body appeared.

It was mine.

The world will celebrate the Joker’s death.

Who am I

becoming?

On Purpose, Forgiveness, and Sagittarius’ Lofty Aim

Image credit: Siah St. Clair

I am learning to represent myself in truth. Over the past four years, I’ve peeled off multiple layers of armor and dismantled systems of chameleon-like shapeshifting. These methods of survival allowed me to maintain a certain level of sanity, but stripped me of dignity and relatability. CPTSD lends itself to a hard knock life.

Today, I feel these old ways of being falling away at my feet, like autumn leaves. Like a snake, having molted all winter, it is through fiery movement that I feel the old skin peeling back, defining itself as “not me anymore”, while I find fresh new skin, an opportunity to show the world who I really am.

I sift through old motivations based on root wounds, like wanting to be accepted and celebrated by folks who just can’t wrap their mind around my otherness, folks who might confuse my God-given gifts with sickness. Today I seek the compassion in my heart to forgive the ones who may never realize their error. I call upon my soul to forgive for the sake of my own peace, that my intentions and motivations are purified.

What are the more pure motivations of my heart, and can they ever be executed in a way that represents who I am? Must I continue to study the dominant culture in order to tailor my words for the sake of understanding? Must I build bridges for those who refuse to cross them?

If not, if my sole purpose is simply to be who I am without apology, without explanation, without fear of banishment or punishment, what would that even look like?

I have been blessed with a beautiful spouse who is learning, like me, to make space for the parts of us that have never been seen or loved. In these spaces, I find myself unlearning the ways of the world and wanting a much simpler life.

I see a child in the jungle, singing to the trees and the creatures like in a 90s Disney animation, and I thank God that my prayers of fame and fortune were not manifested. I see celebrities with very little freedom, not even able to maintain relationships without having to account for false pretenses, gold-digging, and fake friends. I feel sorry for them.

I’ve entertained so many dreams, many of these truly grand, and I admit that in the past I’ve held grandiose sentiments about myself and what any human would realistically be able to accomplish in one life. Now that I see myself more clearly, and I find a tangible path to the life of my dreams, right here at my feet, I still channel great visions of creative projects, social service, and world healing. Why?

Steve Jobs said that, “The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.”

But what of such ambition?

I know that many of my friends and family have given up on me. I’ve made peace with that. I know that a lot of the people I care about don’t reciprocate my tenderness or desire to connect. I’ve been asked to understand who they are, why they are, and to accept that their state of mind is not about me. I’ve also come to make peace with the fact that I’ve been toxic. No, I mean, really toxic. People do what they have to do for self-preservation, and I am at peace with that.

I’ve come to accept that of the 4k Facebook friends I once had, only a handful are truly down for me, and it’s the same friends who were there when I had nothing to offer but drunken promises of friendship and love.

It’s a sober moment to realize that all I’ve spent my entire life chasing the wrong thing, trying to earn love where it didn’t exist, trying too hard to make friends, compromising too much of my truth, and for what? Nothing.

I’ll take the grey hairs and crows feet. I’ve earned them.

Now I ask Creator. What will you do with the rest of my life? Am I to live the simple life, a humble yet joyful retirement, or would you send me to the front lines for future generations? Would you have me place my hands upon the Earth for healing? Do you want me to share everything I’ve learned along this path? Now that I don’t care for Hollywood ties, would you sell the stories that have haunted me all these years?

Does the caterpillar know it’s a butterfly? When the metamorphosis takes place, does the butterfly wonder how it will fly? Does it anticipate flight and does it fear a fall? Does it dream about flying? Or does it simply allow death? Completely let go?

This is where I am, my friends. I’m stepping into a new world, a seemingly foreign universe. Deep down, I feel I’m coming home.

In this world, forgiveness and grace starts in my heart. Humbleness is wisdom and happiness is success. The fruits of our good green Earth is abundance, and I already have everything I need.

To those reading, I may not know who you are, but I pray for your health, your happiness, and a deep, everlasting peace.

Bless up,

Kaika ❤

Poem: The Scapegoat’s Heart Along

The River Lethe

image credit: Irma Hudson

The winds fill my sail and

whisper to

my heart.

“Onward, warrior.

Down the River Lethe where your

reflection kept secret

ambitions to wear

the scapegoat’s

scars like stripes upon back or

wrists for the blood

curse they drink in

your honor.

No

You’re not allowed to pray.

Because their god is not

listening.

Not to you, at least.”

As if my Father would turn his eyes from me.

As if my Mother would not love me.

As if all of Heaven would not

smile upon my journey

through this Earth

Temple

while I accept

All That Is.

“Their shadows look

better

on a old-fashioned model.

A Jonah

A Joan

A Jesus

A Satanist

This has happened before.

It will happen

again.”

As the fallen

tree floats

and forks with

every thought

an Angel reaches into

their black bag as I

watch.

My youth scatters like

ash to the dark

waters of unconscious

fear.

While the Tower

of martyrdom

rumbles like Jericho

under my feet.

Mama awakens

within me

“Lion rise,”

with my

six swords aboard

this hopeful vessel

in this here

Underworld.

“Onward, sailor.

Gather your Soul

pearl and tinsel

toward deeper seas.

Reject the curses of

rotten roots

and seek sacred

soil

where the trees and the

stones

sing your song

back to you.

Where the lines

disappear and

you never have to explain

who you are.

Onward, child of the Most High.

You will sail to the

place where Heaven

is on Earth

because your heart says

it is so.

Your family

will know you.

You will speak with your

heart and they will

know you

by your

Love.”

And

in a moment

the Angel is gone.

The black waters

splash against the barge

and a chill echoes

my heart.

–Kaika ❤

The Resurrection of Spring <3

Photo Credit: PDX Monthly

The mind melts with tea and honey, reorganized like the sentience of my vacuum cleaner.

The world shifts like moving pictures, forking paths around the garden.

I’ve never been here before.

I used to have a relationship with the public, but that’s all changed. I pulled away because I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I used it to cope and abused it as a medicine. I took power from the people who looked up to me.

I realized that the purpose of spiritual ego was to hide behind a mask, to hide the fact that I felt powerless in a dangerous world. I went looking for my power, the kind that comes from within.

From above to below, in all directions. I’ve only just begun my journey.

I’m sorry for the person I’ve been.

First I went to outer/inner space to find the parts of me I left behind when I allowed myself to become what I came.

I set foot on the Earth for the first time in thirty years, and I was filled with rage at what I saw.

I bore witness to the atrocities committed by the ruling class and I got lost in what I thought of as my personal rebellion. My inner revolution.

I saw darkness and light. I bathed in Fire and Water. I went to the Queen and the King and claimed my inheritance.

Now, I am a child again, learning the difference between milk and glue.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m back. I’m going to share my spiritual journey here. I will be graceful with you, World, and I pray you are graceful with me.

Back in the MySpace days, I called myself “Your Local Christian Heretic.” Well, I’m not a Christian anymore, but I’m sure as hell still a heretic. I’m thinking “Earth Temple Witch.”

Yeah, I’m a Mama’s boy.

Come back if you can.

Aloha ❤

Kaika (ky-kuh)

he / they